Friday, April 15, 2005

The Verdict Is In: Law School Is One Big Circle Jerk

This general idea has been brewing in my head for some time, and this last week of class has confirmed it. Here is the evidence:

  1. Con Law Class: Supreme Court Justices make a decision, and hundreds of professors sit around arguing that the decision fits closest into their theory of Equal Protection jurisprudence, or something like that. In fact, the Supreme Court doesn't care about theory, and is instead a big practical joke that the Founding Fathers put on the snobby academics of their time.
  2. Theories on the Underclass, Class: Let's spend four months talking about how judicial decisions are made, and what effect they have, and where the decisions come from. We conclude with "the decisions come from nowhere, and we don't know anything." Oh. Now it's clear.
  3. Theory on Theory, Class: Lots of people write articles trying to explain how another person's article misinterpret their article's interpretation on a third article. What's the point? As noted above, the theory doesn't do anything, except give people a chance to talk about them more.
  4. Study Group Dialogue:
    • Z Says:"Well, X, you're smart and you said the answer is Y."
    • Y Says: "Well, Z, you're also smart and you said the answer is A"
    • Z Reponds: "Wow. When we're all so smart it is hard to know what is actually the case."
    • Y Agrees: "Yes. We all are smart. So, is it Y or A?"
Having established that law school is one big circle jerk, here are my suggestions for improving the experience:
  • Get cuter participants! If we're gonna have a big wank-fest, we might as well make sure that everyone is cute. I mean--we're all here to get off, right? Make sure that everyone sends a pic/stats with their application
  • Two words: better lube. There's a lot of friction in these classes, and the water based stuff isn't gonna cut it. We should get a gallon jug Millenium Platinum in every class
  • Shut up and do your business! At a proper circle jerk, such as those in locker rooms, bathhouses and truck stuck restrooms, people know to keep quiet, get in, do your business, and then get out. Talking just makes awkward, because they all realize how ridiculous this whole endeavor is.
  • Learn Tenderness. If you pull too hard, you're gonna hurt someone. Relax. Take a deep breath. As ManCandee said, "just calm the fuck down." I mean, it's not like we're becoming surgeons. Be chill, and love each other.
  • Tissues. Just like a circle jerk, law school is a messy experience. Make sure to have a rag or towel handy to deal with emissions.
Hopefully with these few tips, the law school experience will be a lot more satisfying for everyone involved.

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